No Clever Title

Just about the time I think I’ve rounded the bend, I haven’t. I don’t share much about the ugly sides of my life, but I have been in a majorly depressive state for what seems like forever. I don’t do things I used to do. I am unmotivated. I try but it’s just not there. I have lost interest in most everything as well. Nothing is really fun or enjoyable. It’s depressing just typing this. 

Most people don’t know this about me because when I’m in social situations, I am naturally friendly and outgoing and thrive off of people but once I’m home and tired, because this makes EVERYTHING extra tiring, I am done. Plus, attempting to manage sickness to any degree with this is basically fighting just to fight.

I will say work has managed to keep my head above water. I’m really concerned about where I’d be without it. 

I am under care, take medication, and see a therapist, so I am taking steps to navigate to a better place. 

I am not in any way, shape, or form suicidal. 

I do see some friends here and there but I know most of them will be shocked to read this. I haven’t been hiding it—just never seems like the right opportunity to share comes about. 

I know the pandemic has definitely played a role in this as well as the loss of my mom but there are so, so many other factors as well. I probably couldn’t even tell you all of them; however, one of them, is what feels like losing a way of life I’ve always known. 

There have been days where I have practically begged God to take me home. 

Speaking of God, yes, my faith has been tested. I would be a liar if I said otherwise. Due to the chaos followed by complacency of my life, church has been out on the distant horizon for some time. I went back for about four consecutive weeks a few months ago…then the dark cloud became heavier and I, sadly, lost the desire and motivation. 

I keep thinking doing something different, finding something new is going to light a small spark in me…so far, that hasn’t been true. (So, friend, if I shared with you about looking for a new church, house, etc., I was sincerely asking for prayers about it but most of you were just unaware of the real whys and the bigger picture.)

I have felt a few small twinges of hope the last week or so. I have tried reading a daily Bible plan which ends up being a here and there, when I remember Bible plan. Up until the other day, it had just been reading words on a page. For months and months, words on a page. Praying with what felt like empty hands and definitely not expectant of anything in return nor, more honestly, not expectant of anything at all. 

I have lost sight of everything I have ever known. I’m surprised some days that I know how to put one foot in front of the other.

My plan with this blog is there isn’t one. I don’t plan, I just do. You’ve read about why I’m sharing, so even though this expression seems therapeutic today, it might or might not be tomorrow.